11 biggest mistakes after a breakup: avoid them if you want your Ex back

Mistake #1: Blaming Your Ex

Even if your ex didn’t behave particularly well before or after the breakup, there is very little to gain from constantly reminding them of everything they did wrong.

Criticism and accusations are unlikely to improve the situation. Instead, they may push your ex even further away and reinforce their belief that ending the relationship was the right decision.

Mistake #2: Begging for Another Chance

Asking your ex to come back is a completely natural reaction after a breakup, especially when you still love the person who left you.

But as you may already have discovered, begging usually doesn’t work.

In fact, it can have the opposite effect.

Repeatedly asking for another chance can communicate desperation and make your ex feel emotionally exhausted by the situation.

If you constantly return to the subject of your relationship, your ex may begin thinking:

“I need to distance myself so they can calm down, process the breakup, and move on.”

If you want to rebuild the relationship, it is usually better to stop trying to convince your ex to come back.

Instead, show through your behavior that your emotions have settled, that you are coping with the breakup, and that you are no longer desperately waiting for reconciliation.

That is one of the first steps toward becoming a challenge to your ex again.

Mistake #3: Showing How Much You’re Suffering

One thing neither men nor women should do after a breakup is threaten suicide or self-harm in an attempt to stop their ex from leaving.

Breakups can trigger extremely intense emotions, and people sometimes have thoughts they would never normally consider.

But trying to get your ex back through pity is not a healthy or effective strategy.

If you want to rebuild attraction, the opposite approach is usually more effective: demonstrate that you are strong, independent, and capable of handling the breakup.

Show that you can move forward with your life rather than relying on your ex to rescue you emotionally.

For the same reason, avoid filling your social media with sad photos, breakup songs, or indirect messages designed to show how devastated you are.

And avoid using mutual friends as an audience for how badly you are suffering if your real goal is for that information to reach your ex.

I know this can sound harsh.

In an ideal world, simply showing someone how much you love them and how sorry you are would be enough to make them come back.

Unfortunately, relationships don’t always work that way.

Mistake #4: Forcing Contact

Even if you aren’t explicitly asking your ex to come back or telling them how miserable you are, you can still make a major mistake by constantly initiating contact or suggesting meetings.

If your ex is responding without enthusiasm, continuing to push for communication can work against you.

It communicates that you still care deeply, still miss them, and are still constantly available.

As long as your ex feels that you are not a challenge and that they can reach you whenever they want, their feelings may have little reason to change.

Only when your ex begins to feel that you have regained your independence—and that they could genuinely lose you—can curiosity and attraction sometimes begin to return.

Mistake #5: Trying to Convince Your Ex That You’ve Changed

Even if your ex clearly told you why they ended the relationship, fixing those problems does not automatically mean they will come back.

That’s because a breakup is rarely based on logic alone. It is also an emotional decision.

Of course, you should absolutely learn from what went wrong.

Work on yourself.

Develop better relationship skills.

Fix the behaviors or patterns that contributed to the breakup.

But ideally, let your ex see those changes rather than repeatedly telling them about them.

Saying:

“I’ve changed. I’m different now. Please give me another chance.”

can sound almost exactly like another attempt to convince them to return.

Your changes will be far more credible when your ex notices them while also seeing that you are not desperately pushing for reconciliation.

Mistake #6: Asking Mutual Friends to Influence Your Ex

If you share mutual friends who care about both of you, it may be tempting to ask them to help persuade your ex to return.

But neither you nor your friends can logically convince someone to feel romantic attraction again.

Your ex has to genuinely feel the desire to reconnect.

That usually requires time and a longer-term change in the emotional dynamic between you—not pressure from other people.

Mistake #7: Trying to Make Your Ex Jealous the Wrong Way

Jealousy can sometimes have a powerful emotional effect.

But it is also extremely easy to handle badly.

The worst approach is inconsistent, obviously artificial behavior.

For example, one moment you make it completely clear that you desperately want your ex back, and the next you suddenly try to make it look as though someone new is chasing you—even when that person doesn’t really exist.

If your ex sees through the attempt, it can make you look even more desperate.

So unless you genuinely understand how jealousy works within the wider emotional dynamic, trying to manufacture it is usually better avoided.

Mistake #8: Sending a Long Goodbye Letter

A common idea among people who have started learning about becoming a challenge is to send their ex a dramatic farewell letter designed to communicate:

“I don’t care anymore. I’m moving on.”

A short message showing that your emotions have settled can sometimes be useful.

A long handwritten or printed letter, however, can have the opposite effect.

Why?

Because the very act of writing, preparing, and sending such a letter demonstrates how much time and emotional energy you invested in your ex.

That can contradict the message you’re trying to send.

If you truly didn’t care anymore, why would you put so much effort into explaining it?

Mistake #9: Suddenly Cutting Off All Contact

When nothing seems to work, some people abruptly cut their ex off completely.

They remove them from every social media platform, delete them from their contacts, and sometimes block their number.

That can be a reasonable strategy if your goal is genuinely to move on and never return to the relationship.

But if your goal is reconciliation, a dramatic cutoff can sometimes communicate the opposite of what you intend.

Your ex may think:

“They’re not cutting me off because they stopped caring. They’re doing it because they care so much that they can’t cope.”

There are situations where no contact can be useful—particularly if you don’t naturally see each other and your ex clearly doesn’t want communication.

But even then, it is often better to step away calmly rather than making a dramatic show of disappearing.

You don’t necessarily need to block your ex everywhere or remove them from every social platform.

A quieter withdrawal can create far more effective emotional distance.

Mistake #10: Getting Too Excited About the First Sign of Interest

When you finally stop making these mistakes and begin changing the dynamic, there is a good chance your ex may gradually become curious about you again.

At some point, they may initiate contact.

They may even suggest meeting.

That is a positive sign—but it does not automatically mean they want to get back together.

Sometimes an ex simply becomes curious.

They want to know what you’re doing, whether you’ve changed, or even whether they could still get you back if they wanted to.

This is a crucial moment.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is responding as though you have been waiting desperately for this contact the entire time.

If you instantly agree to everything with overwhelming enthusiasm or keep the conversation going endlessly, you may immediately stop being a challenge.

Don’t ignore your ex, either.

Respond naturally.

But let them invest in the conversation too.

Let them be curious.

Let them ask questions.

Let them take some of the initiative.

Mistake #11: Getting Back Together Too Quickly

People who successfully change the dynamic often make one final mistake just before reaching their goal:

They rush the reconciliation.

Perhaps your ex starts pursuing you.

You meet once, then again, then a third time.

Eventually, you become physically intimate.

You think:

“Great. We’re basically back together now.”

Then the next morning, your ex suddenly becomes distant again.

I’ve heard versions of this story many times.

Why does it happen?

Because your ex may suddenly realize that getting you back was still relatively easy.

And this isn’t only about sex. The same dynamic can affect both men and women in different ways.

Getting back together with an ex is usually a process, not a single event.

If you rush back into the relationship the moment your ex shows interest—or immediately push them toward commitment—you can quickly recreate the same dynamic that caused them to pull away in the first place.

So take your time.

Let the connection rebuild gradually.

We’ve now covered 11 of the biggest mistakes people make after a breakup, so you know what to avoid if you want to give yourself the best possible chance of rebuilding the relationship.

If you want to learn what to do instead—and how to create a situation where your ex begins making more of the effort—I invite you to watch my free course:

“Make Your Ex Start Chasing You.”

Talk soon!

Robert Marchel