The advocate rule: less conflict, more trust

The advocate rule in a relationship: how to stand up for your partner and strengthen your relationship

Today, I’m going to tell you about one extremely important rule for how you should treat your partner when you’re around other people.

It’s what I call a meta-rule, meaning that applying it can positively affect many different aspects of your relationship. It can help you respect each other more, reduce tension and hostility, and create fewer opportunities for arguments.

And the best part is that it’s simple and easy to start using right away.

My name is Robert Marchel, and I’m the founder of the Relationship Institute, where my team of psychologists and I have been helping people save their relationships after breakups and during divorce for over 17 years.

What is the advocate rule?

The rule I’m talking about today is simple: whenever you’re around other people, no matter what your partner says, you are always on their side.

Let’s call it the advocate rule.

Imagine that one day you were accused of something and had to testify in court. During the trial, no matter what you said, your defense attorney would always be on your side.

They wouldn’t point out your mistakes in front of the judge or witnesses. They wouldn’t make fun of you or embarrass you. They wouldn’t suddenly bring up an awkward situation from your past that could make you look bad.

Quite the opposite.

They would defend you against every attack, sometimes before you even had a chance to respond. They would challenge the accusations against you, help correct any mistakes you might make, and stand by your side before you even had a chance to speak.

That’s exactly the kind of principle worth adopting in your relationship.

You should both be each other’s advocates and defenders. No matter what other people say about either of you, and regardless of whether your partner says something you agree or disagree with, when you’re around other people, you stand together.

In other words, you form a strong alliance and always have each other’s back.

How to apply this rule in practice

Of course, there will be situations when your partner says something you don’t entirely agree with.

You can talk about it later. You can even take your partner aside during the conversation and privately discuss what they meant or why they said it.

But in public, you don’t undermine your partner’s authority. You don’t make fun of them, and you don’t openly turn against them.

The same principle applies to your children.

If your child tells you that Mom or Dad said something and quotes your partner, don’t immediately undermine your partner’s authority or question what they said. In that situation, you should also stand by your partner.

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Two ways this approach can strengthen your relationship

If you adopt this approach, over time it can significantly strengthen your relationship on two different levels.

First, there will be less resentment and hostility caused by social situations.

Whenever you break this rule by embarrassing or criticizing your partner in front of others, revealing an uncomfortable secret, or sharing something private about them publicly, it can be extremely painful.

It can damage trust and seriously weaken your relationship.

But there’s another side to this.

Every time you strongly defend your partner – even when what they said wasn’t entirely right, or perhaps they themselves behaved poorly – you become the advocate they need most in that moment.

And that can build a tremendous amount of trust and gratitude.

Things may have been difficult, but you were there. You stood beside them. You were on their side.

That feeling can make your relationship much stronger.

Make an agreement with your partner: always stand by each other

If you agree with this idea and want to introduce this rule into your relationship, show this video to your partner and make an agreement with each other:

No matter what happens, you’re on the same team.

You stand by each other and defend each other.

But there’s something important to remember.

Making this agreement doesn’t mean you’ll both follow it perfectly 100% of the time.

Hopefully you will, but we’re all human.

Sometimes you may realize too late that you should have stopped yourself. Something may slip out before you’ve had time to think, and the moment you say it, you may immediately regret opening your mouth because you’ve just made your partner look bad in front of other people.

What to do when you make a mistake

Be prepared for situations like this.

We don’t always have complete control over everything we say or how we react.

But when you realize you’ve made a mistake, remember to apologize.

Take back what you said. Hug your partner and say:

“I know I handled that badly. Next time, I’ll try to do better.”

We’re only human.

One mistake doesn’t mean the agreement is suddenly over or that the other person should stop following it. The principle itself is still valid.

And the longer you practice it, the easier it becomes to stick to it.

Do you really function this way as a couple?

I know some people may be thinking:

“Well, isn’t this obvious? Shouldn’t every couple already behave this way?”

But think about it.

Do couples really function like this?

Does each partner always stand by the other?

Or do we see criticism, public ridicule, bad-mouthing, gossiping about a partner, or saying negative things about them when they’re not even there?

Does that happen in relationships?

I’m convinced that it does. In fact, my experience from hundreds – and actually thousands – of stories I’ve heard during individual consultations shows that unfortunately, many couples don’t follow this principle.

So I encourage you to share this video or send it to friends who are in relationships and might benefit from this advice.

And if you’re already going through a breakup and want to save your relationship, make sure to watch the video that should appear somewhere here next.