Why do you need to be a challenge to get your Ex back?

How to Realistically Get Back With an Ex You Have Children With

Hi. This article is for people who share at least one child with an ex-partner and want to rebuild that relationship because they genuinely believe they are fighting for the love of their life—someone who is truly important to them.

The age of your children doesn’t matter much. You may have one young child or children who are nearly adults. What matters most is that you still have opportunities to see each other because of parenting responsibilities.

In situations like this, there is often a great deal you can still do.

The overall strategy is also very similar for both women and men.

Who Am I and Why Should You Listen to Me?

My name is Robert Marchel. I live in Poland, and for most of my professional life I have worked in this field—helping people rebuild relationships after a breakup.

It started because I had plenty of failures of my own when I was younger. I had no idea how romantic relationships worked. I struggled to build them because I simply didn’t understand what I was doing.

So I started reading extensively, mainly about psychology and romantic relationships.

Over time, I began to see a huge difference. I finally understood what I had been doing wrong. Suddenly, all those previous situations that had ended badly made sense. I could see exactly why I had pushed away women I genuinely cared about.

When I started applying what I had learned, everything changed.

My best friend broke up with his girlfriend. I advised him on what to do to get her back—and it worked.

Then the same thing happened with several other people I knew.

Eventually, I began giving advice for free to friends of friends. Once I saw that the method was consistently producing results, I started charging for consultations, gaining more experience, and refining the approach over time.

Since then, I have spent many years conducting consultations almost every day, often for several hours a day.

Today, I have completed well over 4,000 consultations.

I have heard thousands of relationship stories and continuously refined my approach to rebuilding relationships after a breakup.

Eventually, more people were coming to me than I could personally help, so I trained my first coach, followed by additional psychologists.

Today, my company in Poland has an entire team of psychologists helping people who want to rebuild relationships with their ex-partners.

I have 16 years of experience in this field, more than 4,000 consultations behind me, and a YouTube channel with nearly 190,000 subscribers.

I also have two wonderful children and a happy family of my own, which has made me appreciate even more how valuable a strong, intact family can be.

Why Having Children Together Gives You a Major Advantage

I know that a breakup can be an incredibly difficult time.

I assume you have probably already tried convincing your ex, asking for another chance, and explaining how much you want to repair the relationship—but nothing has worked.

Your ex may now seem cold and emotionally withdrawn. They may be tired of hearing from you and tell you directly that they no longer want anything from the relationship or that they no longer love you.

And you may feel as though you are losing the love of your life without having any idea what to do.

Every step you take seems to make things worse and push them even further away.

If that sounds familiar, one of your biggest advantages is actually the fact that you have children together.

Because of your children, you will probably continue seeing and communicating with each other.

That gives you opportunities to influence the way your ex sees you over time.

Even if there is currently a great deal of hostility and your communication is minimal, the right strategy can gradually reduce that hostility and make your interactions more natural and frequent again.

Because you have children together and continue seeing each other, it is easier for your ex to notice genuine changes in you.

There is also a practical reason why reconciliation could make sense: raising children together is often simpler than raising them across two separate households.

But logic usually isn’t the main problem.

The real barriers are elsewhere.

Two Things That May Be Preventing Your Ex From Coming Back

The first barrier is faded feelings.

Your ex’s feelings have weakened or disappeared, and those feelings need to be rebuilt.

The positive side is that if there was once a strong emotional bond between you, those emotions may not simply disappear forever.

Reconnecting with someone you once loved can sometimes happen more quickly than developing deep feelings for someone completely new because there is already a shared emotional history.

You can think of it a little like returning to a language you once spoke fluently. You may have forgotten some of it, but once you are immersed in it again, much of it can return surprisingly quickly.

The second barrier is resentment and practical objections.

Your ex clearly disliked something about how the relationship was working.

Ending a long-term relationship—especially one involving children—is a very significant decision.

It creates emotional, logistical, and financial complications.

So if your ex still decided to leave, there were probably strong reasons behind that decision.

This isn’t about blaming yourself.

Most of us were never taught how to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

But your ex needs to see that you understand what went wrong, that you are changing, and that you are genuinely working on yourself.

If you can both rebuild emotional attraction and address the practical reasons the relationship failed, reconciliation becomes much more realistic.

You Need to Think Long Term

Getting an ex back is not something you accomplish with one perfect sentence or one clever message.

Just as your ex probably spent weeks or months gradually reaching the decision to leave, rebuilding the relationship also takes time.

Realistically, you may be looking at two, three, or even four months.

You need patience.

If your mindset is:

“Either we get back together right now or it’s over,”

then the answer will probably be that it’s over.

There usually isn’t enough time to change such a complex emotional situation immediately.

The real question is whether this person is worth making the effort for.

If you genuinely believe they are the love of your life, then the process can be valuable even beyond simply getting them back.

Many people eventually become grateful that the breakup happened because it forced them to completely reset the relationship.

If you use the separation wisely, work on yourself, address the real reasons behind the breakup, and develop stronger relationship skills, the relationship you eventually rebuild can be much healthier than the one you had before.

The First Principle: Become a Challenge

One of the most important steps in rebuilding attraction is becoming a challenge again.

Your ex must stop feeling that you are waiting around for them and that they can return whenever they want.

That may sound controversial, so let me explain.

Desperation is not attractive.

Showing that you want your ex back at any cost can reduce attraction rather than increase it.

The more desperately you chase someone, the more strongly you communicate that they have more power in the dynamic than you do.

People are often more emotionally drawn to what feels less available.

And we tend to feel the value of something more intensely when we believe we might lose it.

That is why creating a genuine sense of loss or uncertainty can sometimes allow your ex’s feelings to resurface.

They may only begin reconsidering the relationship when they stop feeling completely certain that you are still waiting for them.

A Personal Example

Let me tell you a story from my own life.

I had been in a relationship with a woman for several years.

A few months after we broke up, she contacted me. I invited her to visit me in Ibiza, where I was working at the time, and we spent a great week together.

The evening before she was due to leave, I thought carefully about the relationship.

I realized that nothing really suggested the problems that had caused our breakup had disappeared.

So I made a clear decision:

We were not getting back together.

When she asked whether I wanted to restart the relationship, I calmly told her no.

Then she told me that during the trip she had met another Polish man and that they were going to fly home together.

She also asked me to behave like a friend rather than a boyfriend when I walked her to the airport.

And despite having been absolutely certain that I did not want her back, that information instantly changed how I felt.

Suddenly, she became far more emotionally significant to me.

I experienced a huge sense of loss.

My confident decision began falling apart.

At that point I had already spent several years advising people on relationships, so intellectually I knew exactly what was happening.

But I hadn’t realized how powerful the feeling could be until I experienced it myself.

That experience reinforced something I had seen repeatedly in consultations:

If your ex feels that you are completely available and desperately waiting for them, rebuilding attraction becomes much more difficult.

7 Mistakes That Can Prevent Reconciliation

The first mistake is begging for another chance and constantly returning to the breakup conversation.

It is time to stop.

Your ex should not feel that they completely control the situation and can decide at any moment whether you are together or not.

The second mistake is forcing contact and calling without a real reason.

Of course, if you have children together, you should communicate about them—who is picking them up, schedules, expenses, school, and anything else that genuinely needs to be handled.

But don’t repeatedly contact your ex just to ask how they are doing.

Until the emotional dynamic changes, this kind of contact usually works against you.

The third mistake is trying to convince your ex that you have changed.

Your ex may instinctively assume that you are saying these things because you want them back.

That makes your claims less credible.

Real change is better demonstrated indirectly through your behavior.

The fourth mistake is asking friends to influence your ex.

Your ex will probably realize that your friends did not suddenly decide on their own to persuade them to return.

And their opinions are unlikely to have as much influence as you hope.

The fifth mistake is inconsistency.

One day you behave as if you have moved on.

The next day you ask whether your ex misses you or whether you still have a chance.

Only consistent behavior over time creates a genuine change in the dynamic.

The sixth mistake is constantly reminiscing about your best memories together.

When you repeatedly bring up the past, you also reveal that you are still thinking about the relationship all the time.

That communicates continued emotional dependence rather than independence.

The seventh mistake is suddenly cutting off contact in an unnatural way.

If you have children together and genuinely need to communicate, dramatically avoiding your ex can make it obvious that you are forcing yourself to stay away because you still care deeply.

A better approach is to treat your ex like a friend or acquaintance you are comfortable with—but from whom you currently want nothing romantic.

How Do You Become a Challenge in Practice?

Start showing much less romantic interest while continuing to communicate appropriately about your children.

Treat your ex the way you would treat a friend you are not romantically pursuing.

You are not angry.

You are not bitter.

You are not trying to punish them.

You are simply living your own life.

Be friendly and polite. Reduce hostility wherever possible.

But your ex should gradually feel that you are no longer asking anything from them emotionally.

Over time, that distance can create curiosity.

Until recently, you wanted the relationship badly.

Now you seem different.

What changed?

Why are you no longer chasing?

That may be when the first signs of renewed interest start appearing.

Your ex may call without a practical reason.

They may invite you to stay a little longer when you bring the children over.

They may become warmer or more curious about your life.

Those can be signs that it is time to gradually increase contact—but slowly.

Working on Yourself Is Essential

Becoming a challenge is important, but it is not a magic solution.

You also need to work on yourself.

First, you need to address the practical reasons the relationship failed.

If the breakup involved alcohol abuse, gambling, workaholism, or another serious problem, you need to deal with it before attempting to rebuild the relationship.

Don’t rush back into the relationship before the underlying issue has genuinely changed.

Second, develop the most important relationship skills.

We are rarely taught how to create a healthy long-term relationship.

But within a few months, you can learn how to:

communicate more effectively, discuss difficult subjects without immediately turning them into arguments, respond better to criticism, maintain friendship and emotional connection, reduce accumulated resentment, and resolve conflicts using a win-win approach in which both people look for a solution they can genuinely accept.

Third, work on your overall attractiveness and well-being.

Exercise, sport, physical health, and taking care of your appearance can all help.

Your ex is likely to notice positive changes, whether you are a man or a woman.

A Step-by-Step Plan

From today, stop openly communicating romantic interest and keep unnecessary contact to a minimum.

Continue communicating reliably about your children.

Be polite and friendly, but don’t chase.

Your ex should not feel that you are deliberately avoiding them either.

If they want to talk, talk.

But sometimes be the person who ends the conversation first.

Over the next two or three months, focus on removing the obstacles that damaged the relationship, developing better relationship skills, and improving yourself.

Your ex should gradually notice two things:

You are no longer chasing them.

And your behavior is genuinely changing.

Only when you begin seeing signs that your ex is becoming curious, warmer, or more interested should you gradually intensify contact.

Start taking small steps toward them.

Occasionally initiate a conversation.

Perhaps arrange an activity involving the children or, when appropriate, meet without them.

But that stage should begin only after you see signs of interest from your ex.

You Now Have Two Options

The first is to try to handle the process yourself using the information you have learned here.

That may make sense if you are still uncertain whether this is truly a relationship you want to fight for.

But if you know that you are fighting for the love of your life and that rebuilding your family genuinely matters to you, professional guidance may make the process easier.

Think of it like crossing a jungle.

You can go alone with limited information, or you can work with someone who has guided thousands of people through similar situations and knows where the most common mistakes happen.

The stage where you begin rebuilding contact can be particularly delicate.

Regardless of whether you ultimately get your ex back, going through the process properly means that one day you can look in the mirror and say:

“I did everything I reasonably could to save this relationship and my family.”

There are no guarantees.

Some luck and circumstances will always play a role.

But you can still be proud that you made a serious effort—not only for your ex, but for yourself, your family, and your children.

And remember:

A divorce is ultimately a legal document.

Your real goal should not simply be preventing a divorce.

Your goal is to rebuild the emotional connection, restore positive feelings, and create a healthy relationship again.

People can divorce and later rebuild a relationship.

Sometimes fighting aggressively against the divorce itself only creates more hostility.

Protect your interests, keep the process as respectful as possible, and avoid trying to pressure your ex into changing their mind.

This is not a quick process.

It requires patience and consistency.

But if this person truly is the love of your life, the effort may be worth it.