10 communication mistakes that destroy your relationship

10 communication mistakes that ruin your relationship

Relationships very often fall apart because of poor communication. Today, I’m going to show you the 10 most common mistakes that negatively affect the way you communicate with your partner and increase the number of arguments in your relationship.

My name is Robert Marchel. I’m the founder of the Relationship Institute, and I’ve been helping people save their relationships for over 17 years.

Mistake #1: Interrupting the other person

Whenever you’re talking to someone and they want to tell you something, one of the most valuable things you can do – and something that will immediately make you a much better conversationalist – is simply listen.

And I mean genuinely listen. Take a real interest in what the person you’re talking to is trying to tell you.

Before you jump in with your own story, offer advice, or tell them what you think, it’s much better to explore what they’re saying. Ask questions if something interests you and give the other person the opportunity to fully express themselves.

Even if you change nothing else and develop just this one habit – listening without interrupting – you’ll immediately become a much better person to talk to.

Mistake #2: Assuming you know what the other person is thinking

This is an extremely common mistake because, more often than we realize, our assumptions are simply wrong.

We might think someone did something out of spite or because they deliberately wanted to hurt us. In reality, their behavior may come from fear, insecurity, feeling inadequate, or something completely different from what first comes to mind.

So instead of assuming you know exactly what the other person is thinking or what their intentions were, ask them. Talk about it.

It’s very easy to judge someone without understanding the full context of what happened or why they behaved the way they did.

I can guarantee that if you knew the full context of that person’s life – including their childhood and upbringing – you would probably understand much better why they behaved the way they did, even if their behavior hurt you or made you uncomfortable.

That’s why you shouldn’t assume you know what another person thinks or feels.

Mistake #3: Blaming instead of talking about your feelings

If you tell someone:

“You never listen to me.”

you’re likely to trigger a defensive reaction.

But if you say:

“I feel like I’m not being heard.”

that’s no longer an attack. You’re talking about your own feelings and how you’re experiencing the situation.

That difference is huge.

Whenever you criticize or accuse someone, they’re likely to withdraw, stop listening openly, and become defensive.

But when you explain how something makes you feel and talk about your needs, there’s a much greater chance that the other person will actually listen.

Mistake #4: Generalizing

You’ll usually notice this when you start using words like “always” and “never.”

“You never clean up after yourself.”

“You always act like this.”

This is problematic on two levels.

First, you’re probably not entirely right. There were likely times when your partner did clean up after themselves, but you’ve forgotten about them in the heat of the moment. That immediately gives them something to argue against:

“That’s not true. I cleaned up yesterday.”

Second, statements like these sound accusatory. Instead of helping you improve the relationship or reach a constructive solution, they’re much more likely to trigger a defensive reaction.

Mistake #5: Criticizing the person instead of the behavior

If you say:

“You’re so selfish.”

you’re once again likely to trigger a defensive reaction.

The situation becomes completely different when, instead of criticizing the person, you focus on a specific behavior and explain how it affected you.

For example:

“It really hurt me when you made that decision without me.”

These two approaches are worlds apart when it comes to healthy communication.

Mistake #6: Becoming defensive instead of trying to understand

A defensive reaction is completely natural, especially when the person you’re talking to is genuinely attacking or criticizing you. They may even be making some of the communication mistakes we’re discussing in this article.

But immediately becoming defensive and refusing to even consider what the other person is trying to say is also a mistake.

Instead, try to see them as someone who is hurt. They may not be trying to upset you. They may simply have a problem they want to solve but don’t know how to communicate it effectively.

Most of us were never formally taught how to communicate well in relationships. People usually don’t make these mistakes deliberately – they often make them because they simply don’t know any better.

So try to reduce that instinctive defensive reaction and really listen.

Try to understand the other person. Doing so gives you a much better chance of preventing the situation from turning into hostility or a serious argument.

Mistake #7: Bringing up old conflicts

When tension has already developed and you’re in the middle of an argument, dealing with the issue that started the disagreement is difficult enough.

There’s no need to bring up every mistake and conflict from the past as well.

The more often you do this, the more complicated your arguments become and the less constructive they are.

So if an argument has already started, try to calm the situation down and focus on one issue at a time.

Mistake #8: Expecting your partner to read your mind

Or even saying:

“You should know.”

It doesn’t work.

Your partner cannot magically read your mind.

And even if they try to guess what you’re thinking, as I mentioned earlier, they can easily get it wrong and misunderstand your intentions.

Never assume that someone should simply “know.”

Instead, communicate as clearly and simply as possible about what you feel, what you need, and how a particular situation affected you.

This makes it much easier for your partner to understand your perspective.

And once they understand how you see the situation, why you feel the way you do, and why you want or don’t want something, it becomes much easier to reach an agreement.

Mistake #9: Having long discussions when emotions are running high

If communication gets out of control and turns into a serious argument, both you and your partner can enter a fight-or-flight state.

When that happens, rational thinking becomes much more difficult. It’s harder to make good decisions, reach agreements, or have a productive conversation.

That’s why there’s usually little point in continuing a difficult discussion when both of you are extremely emotional.

At that moment, the most important thing is to calm down.

Sometimes it’s much better to pause the conversation and agree to come back to it later than to keep pushing the issue while you’re both angry, frustrated, or even shouting at each other.

Mistake #10: Focusing on who’s right or who’s to blame instead of solving the problem

Even when your partner is clearly wrong and you’re right, trying to prove it usually doesn’t help.

Once again, it can trigger a defensive reaction.

Instead of focusing on who was right or wrong, focus on what happens next and what you can do differently going forward.

For example, imagine your partner didn’t believe you when you said that constantly checking their phone during conversations was affecting the quality of your time together and your satisfaction with the relationship.

You show them research supporting your point, and eventually they agree that putting their phone away during quality time together is a good idea.

At that point, don’t celebrate the fact that you were right all along. Don’t say:

“I told you so. Why did it take you so long to understand?”

Instead, be glad that you’ve reached an agreement and use it to create a practical solution.

For example, you could agree that whenever you go on a date, you both turn off your phones or leave them somewhere out of reach.

The goal isn’t to win the argument.

The goal is to improve your relationship.

If you enjoyed this article, make sure to watch my video about the 20 mistakes people make not just in communication, but throughout their entire relationship.

There are quite a few of them – and avoiding these mistakes can make a huge difference. You’ll find the full video on my channel.