20 relationship mistakes that lead to a breakup

Mistake #1 – Criticizing and attacking your partner

Every time you insult your partner by saying things like “You’re stupid,” “You’re irresponsible,” or “You messed up again,” you damage the connection between you.

You create more and more distance and build a wall between you because these kinds of comments are difficult to forgive, especially when they happen regularly.

That’s why you need to be careful about how you speak to your partner. Try to communicate in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel attacked.

The worst version of this mistake is publicly criticizing or making fun of your partner. It can feel like being stabbed in the back.

You should be your partner’s defender and stand by their side rather than becoming the reason they feel embarrassed or humiliated.

Mistake #2 – Putting too much pressure on your partner to change

Let’s say you’re right and it really would be better if your partner quit smoking.

The problem is that the more pressure you put on them to change, the more you constantly remind them about it and try to force them into doing it, the more distance you may create between you.

Even if your partner knows they should change, putting pressure on them can actually make that change less likely.

Instead of acting like someone who constantly demands change, try to be their partner and source of support.

You could say something like:

“Honey, I really want you to quit smoking because I want you to be healthy, live a long life, and feel better. But if you don’t manage to do it, I still accept you as you are. Just don’t be upset if I remind you about it from time to time.”

That sends a completely different message.

Even if your partner slips up and starts smoking again, they should feel safe enough to tell you about it instead of hiding it from you.

Be their partner and support system rather than their judge.

Mistake #3 – Bringing up things from the past

Even if something genuinely traumatic happened in your relationship, at some point you have to decide whether you still want to be with this person after what happened.

If you do, it’s worth talking about it openly. You may even need to sit down one final time, discuss everything that’s still bothering you, ask the questions you need answered, and then try to move forward.

But if you repeatedly bring the same painful event back into every argument or disagreement, it will be extremely difficult for your relationship to move forward.

Try to resolve the issue instead of continually reopening the same wound.

Mistake #4 – Constantly complaining and blaming

Complaining in an accusatory way rarely works, even when you have a legitimate reason to be upset.

Maybe your partner really shouldn’t have left spilled juice on the kitchen floor. But if you address it with an attacking, resentful tone, your partner is likely to shut down.

They feel attacked and stop truly listening to what you’re saying.

Instead, talk about your own needs and feelings without making the other person feel attacked.

This gives them a much better chance of understanding what you’re trying to communicate without creating unnecessary hostility between you.

Mistake #5 – Giving your partner the silent treatment

Even if your partner has seriously upset you, shutting down communication is a terrible strategy because it prevents you from resolving the problem.

If you need some space after what happened, communicate that clearly.

You can say:

“I need some time to process this. I’m angry right now and I don’t want to talk for a while.”

That way, you’re communicating your need for space instead of deliberately ignoring or avoiding your partner.

The silent treatment doesn’t solve anything. It’s much better to communicate what hurt you, explain your perspective, and eventually discuss what could be done differently.

Mistake #6 – Not making time for deep conversations

Sitting next to each other and watching a TV show doesn’t necessarily count as quality time.

If you want your relationship to stay strong for years, you need to talk.

Ask your partner what’s going on in their life. Be genuinely interested in each other.

If all your time is spent with your children, friends, or family and you never have meaningful time alone together, your relationship is unlikely to move in a healthy direction.

Mistake #7 – Never talking about your relationship

Relationships have a tendency to accumulate unresolved issues, resentment, and frustration.

If you never address these problems and never talk about what is or isn’t working, they can eventually explode like a ticking time bomb.

Every once in a while – whether that’s once a month, every few months, or even every six months – sit down with your partner and ask:

“How do you feel about our relationship? Is everything okay between us?”

This becomes especially important when you notice that your partner seems unhappy or withdrawn.

Address problems before they grow into something much more difficult to resolve.

Mistake #8 – Flirting with other people

It’s completely normal for both of you to interact with people you could potentially be attracted to.

But you need to establish boundaries that allow your partner to feel comfortable and secure.

You shouldn’t be afraid that your partner might pick up your phone and discover inappropriate conversations or messages that would hurt them.

Be aware of your own behavior and make sure things don’t cross a line.

Mistake #9 – Ignoring your partner’s needs

This becomes especially important when you disagree about something or need to make a decision together.

Imagine you want to spend your vacation in the mountains while your partner would rather go to the beach.

If you always insist on getting your own way without considering what your partner wants, resentment can build quickly.

You may successfully convince or pressure your partner into going to the mountains, but what have you actually achieved?

You’re happy to be there while your partner is miserable because they don’t enjoy hiking and now have to spend an entire week doing something they dislike.

Even though you technically “won,” neither of you really wins.

If you want a happy relationship, consider your partner’s needs alongside your own and look for solutions that work for both of you.

Mistake #10 – Not keeping your promises

If you regularly promise your partner something and then forget about it or fail to follow through, eventually they won’t be able to trust you.

They’ll learn that they can’t rely on you.

And that can seriously damage the quality of your relationship.

Being in a relationship means being able to depend on each other. You’re supposed to be among the closest people in each other’s lives and support one another when things go wrong.

So try to keep your word and follow through on the promises you make.

Mistake #11 – Lying to your partner

The more often you lie to your partner – and the more often they catch you lying – the less they’ll trust you.

The opposite is also true.

When you consistently tell the truth, especially about difficult subjects, your partner learns that when you say something, they can believe you.

That builds trust.

It’s often better to face an uncomfortable conversation, admit when you’ve done something wrong, and be honest about what’s on your mind rather than trying to hide it.

In the long run, honesty will benefit your relationship much more than trying to cover up your mistakes.

Mistake #12 – Being on your phone or social media when you’re with your partner

Looking at your phone occasionally when you’re spending time together isn’t going to destroy your relationship.

But if you go out to a restaurant and spend 90% of the evening on your phones while barely talking to each other, it can seriously affect the quality of your relationship.

Try creating a simple rule: when you’re intentionally spending quality time together and have an opportunity to talk, put your smartphones away.

It may not be easy, but it’s a habit worth developing.

Mistake #13 – Using physical affection as a form of manipulation

Withholding affection or intimacy to force or persuade your partner to do something isn’t a healthy strategy.

Even if it works in the short term, both of you ultimately lose.

Your partner feels pressured, trust is damaged, and even if you get what you wanted, the long-term effect on your relationship can be negative.

It’s much better to avoid using affection as leverage.

Mistake #14 – Using money to manipulate your partner

If you earn significantly more than your partner or most of your household income comes through you, you may be tempted to use money to influence their behavior.

But that can seriously damage your relationship.

The goal shouldn’t be to force your partner to do something. Instead, you should talk openly about your needs, their needs, and how you can meet your shared needs together.

Never use a financial advantage as leverage to get what you want.

Mistake #15 – Creating an imbalance in commitment

It’s very easy to fall into a vicious cycle.

When you feel your partner pulling away, you may panic and start chasing them.

You ask what’s wrong, what you can change about yourself, contact them more often, and overwhelm them with affection and attention.

But this can cause them to pull away even further – which makes you want to chase them even more.

If your partner becomes withdrawn or emotionally distant and talking about it doesn’t help, sometimes it’s better to take a step back.

Give them some space rather than overwhelming them with even more attention.

Be careful not to create a long-term imbalance in how much each of you is investing in the relationship.

Mistake #16 – Failing to communicate your boundaries

Your partner may sometimes do something you don’t like without even realizing that it bothers you.

Over time, this can create resentment and frustration. You may start thinking that your partner doesn’t respect you or care about your needs.

But how can they respect a boundary they don’t know exists?

Whenever you feel that one of your boundaries is being crossed, communicate it clearly but calmly, preferably without blame or resentment.

Mistake #17 – Threatening to break up

If you want your partner to change something, one of the worst strategies is to blackmail or threaten them – including threatening to end the relationship.

Instead of using threats, communicate your needs and feelings directly.

Explain what the situation is doing to you and why it matters.

Even when you’re exhausted by your partner’s behavior or frustrated with the relationship, repeatedly threatening to leave can be extremely damaging in the long run.

Mistake #18 – Sharing relationship problems with mutual friends or family

It’s completely normal to talk to a close friend when you’re experiencing problems in your relationship.

But be careful not to insult your partner, criticize them excessively, or present them in the worst possible light.

If you need to talk about the situation, try to stick to the facts.

Why?

Because if you constantly complain about your partner to friends and family, those people may eventually stop liking them or wanting to spend time with them.

And if your partner discovers how you’ve been talking about them, they may feel betrayed.

You should generally be your partner’s defender, advocate, and source of support – not someone who humiliates them behind their back.

And private or deeply personal information your partner wouldn’t want others to know should remain private.

Mistake #19 – Making your partner feel guilty when they make a mistake

Imagine your partner accidentally breaks your favorite mug.

What should you do?

One of the worst reactions would be to shout, criticize them, and make them feel even worse about what happened.

When your partner has genuinely made a mistake and already feels embarrassed or guilty about it, adding more guilt and disapproval can damage the sense of trust between you.

Instead, you could say:

“Don’t worry. It’s okay. You’re more important to me than the mug.”

There’s no reason to add more pain when the person already knows they made a mistake.

You’re much more likely to be appreciated when you stand by your partner during difficult moments instead of making them feel even worse.

Mistake #20 – Ignoring your partner’s emotions

When your partner is angry, scared, or sad and you ignore the signs because you don’t like difficult conversations, you leave them alone with those emotions.

But you should ideally be one of the closest people they can turn to when something difficult is happening in their life.

Even better, take the initiative when you notice something is wrong.

Ask them what’s going on.

And when your partner does tell you what they’re feeling, don’t run away from the conversation or ignore it.

Listen to them and try to be their closest friend and source of support.