How to be a challenge to your Ex when you have children together

How to Get Your Ex Back When You Have Children Together

If you’ve separated from someone you have children with and you want to rebuild the relationship, one of the first things you need to do is stop chasing your ex and become a challenge again.

In this article, I’ll explain why this is so important, how to do it when you have children together and therefore can’t simply cut off contact, and what else you need to work on to give yourself the best possible chance of rebuilding the relationship.

The Good News: Having Children Together Can Give You More Opportunities

Let’s start with some good news.

Having children together means that, in most cases, you’ll continue to have some degree of regular contact with your ex.

Even if your ex currently says they no longer love you or want the relationship—and even if there is considerable hostility between you—you will probably still see or communicate with each other because of your children.

That creates opportunities for your ex to see you differently over time.

If you genuinely work on yourself, change the way you interact with them, and become more attractive as a partner, some of the feelings that once existed between you may eventually begin to resurface.

The situation becomes considerably more complicated if your ex is already in another serious relationship. If they have fallen in love with someone else and are building a healthy, committed relationship with that person, you may need to accept that moving on is the better option.

But assuming that isn’t the case, having children together means you’ll naturally have opportunities to interact—and those interactions matter.

Why Do You Need to Become a Challenge?

Let’s look at why becoming a challenge is so important.

Over the years, I’ve heard hundreds of stories that follow a very similar pattern.

The person trying to get their ex back is constantly nice, constantly available, and constantly demonstrating how much they still love them.

They ask for another chance. They explain how badly they want the family back together. They make it obvious that getting back together is their biggest wish.

The problem is that constantly communicating, “I’m here whenever you want me,” can create a very one-sided dynamic.

Your ex knows that they can have you back whenever they want.

There is no uncertainty. There is no space for them to miss you. And there is very little reason for them to start investing in you again.

Attraction doesn’t usually return because you logically convince someone that getting back together would be a good idea.

If your ex already knows that one word from them would be enough for you to immediately take them back, it can be extremely difficult to change the emotional dynamic between you.

That’s why you need to become a challenge.

And after 17 years of consultations and working with people trying to rebuild relationships after separation, I’ve seen just how important changing this dynamic can be.

How Do You Become a Challenge When You Have Children Together?

The first step is to stop constantly communicating romantic interest.

Stop asking questions such as:

“Will we ever get back together?”

“Do you still love me?”

“Do you miss me?”

“Are you seeing someone?”

Don’t keep suggesting that you’re waiting for your ex or that you’ll be available whenever they decide they want you back.

Take a step back.

You should also stop using affectionate pet names that belonged to your relationship.

If you’ve always called your ex “honey,” “sweetheart,” or another affectionate nickname, start using their regular name instead.

They may notice the change.

And if they ask why, you don’t need an elaborate explanation. You can simply say:

“We’re not together anymore. I thought it made sense.”

The point isn’t to be cold or hostile.

It’s to acknowledge that the relationship has changed—and behave accordingly.

Stop Contacting Your Ex Without a Reason

Because you have children together, you probably can’t go completely no contact.

But you can stop creating unnecessary contact.

Don’t text just to say good morning or good night.

Don’t call simply because you want to hear your ex’s voice.

Don’t invent excuses to contact them when both of you know perfectly well that the excuse isn’t the real reason you’re calling.

Keep communication focused primarily on things that genuinely need to be discussed.

If you need to talk about school, childcare arrangements, schedules, or who is picking up the children, that’s completely appropriate.

Call or text, deal with the issue, remain polite, and then end the conversation.

The principle is simple:

Be friendly, cooperative, and respectful—but stop chasing.

The same applies when your ex contacts you.

Answer them. Talk normally. You don’t need to act cold or run away from the conversation.

If your ex asks how you’re doing, tell them.

You can even ask how they’re doing in return.

But don’t suddenly become overwhelmingly enthusiastic simply because your ex has shown you a little attention.

Give them space to become the person who gradually starts investing more in the interaction.

Don’t Make Yourself Constantly Available

You also don’t need to be instantly available every single time your ex contacts you—unless, of course, something involving your children genuinely requires an immediate response.

For non-urgent communication, it’s perfectly normal to respond later because you’re busy living your own life.

You may occasionally miss a call or end a conversation first:

“I’ve got to go now. We’ll talk later.”

The important distinction is that this shouldn’t become a game designed to punish or manipulate your ex.

You’re trying to create a healthier distance and stop organizing your entire life around them.

And when children are involved, their needs should always come before any relationship strategy. Important co-parenting communication should be handled reliably and promptly.

Consistency and Time Are Essential

You need to be consistent.

You can’t spend two weeks acting independent and emotionally grounded, only to suddenly send a late-night message saying you still love your ex and desperately want them back.

You also shouldn’t repeatedly return to questions such as:

“Do you think we’ll ever be together again?”

That immediately communicates that underneath everything you’re doing, you’re still waiting for your ex.

The more inconsistent your behavior becomes, the easier it is for your ex to interpret your new attitude as a temporary strategy rather than a genuine change.

And most importantly, give it time.

Think in terms of weeks and months, not days.

Your ex needs time to adjust to the fact that you are no longer chasing them.

Eventually, you may begin noticing signs of curiosity.

Perhaps your ex starts calling more frequently. Maybe they become friendlier, extend conversations, ask more questions about your life, or even suggest spending time together.

Those can be positive signs.

But don’t immediately abandon everything you’ve been doing the moment you receive a little attention.

If your ex takes one small step toward you and you immediately rush forward with overwhelming enthusiasm, you can quickly recreate the same one-sided dynamic you were trying to change.

Let the renewed connection develop gradually.

Becoming a Challenge Is Only One Part of the Process

There is something extremely important to understand:

Even if you successfully become a challenge and your ex begins feeling attracted to you again, that doesn’t automatically mean they will come back.

And even if they do come back, it doesn’t mean the relationship will survive.

Your relationship ended for a reason.

When you have been together long enough to have children, separating is an enormous decision. Raising children across two households can be emotionally, practically, and financially difficult.

So if your ex still decided that ending the relationship was necessary, there were probably significant problems behind that decision.

You need to understand what those problems were.

Work on Yourself—and on the Problems That Ended the Relationship

Ask yourself what actually went wrong.

What could you have done differently?

Which relationship skills were you missing?

What patterns contributed to the breakup?

Because if you don’t address those issues, even a successful reconciliation can simply lead you back to the same relationship you had before.

And eventually, it may fall apart again.

The goal should therefore be much bigger than simply getting your ex back.

Work on your communication skills. Learn how to manage conflict. Improve your emotional maturity. Take care of yourself and your own life. Understand your mistakes and make genuine changes.

Then, if you eventually rebuild the relationship, you can do so on completely different foundations.

And whenever possible, let your ex see those changes through your behavior rather than repeatedly telling them how much you’ve changed.

If you constantly say:

“Look, I’m going to therapy. I’m learning relationship skills. I’ve changed. Please come back.”

your self-improvement can start sounding like another attempt to convince them.

Real change is much more powerful when the other person discovers it for themselves.

Rebuild the Relationship on New Foundations

Becoming a challenge and creating healthier emotional distance is therefore only one piece of a much larger strategy.

You also need to understand why the relationship ended, develop the relationship skills you were missing, work on yourself, and gradually demonstrate through your behavior that something has genuinely changed.

This is particularly important when you have children together and rebuilding the relationship could mean rebuilding your family.

That’s exactly why we created our program at the Institute of Relationship Psychology.

We work with people after separation—including parents who want to rebuild their relationship and family—and help them develop the relationship skills they need while creating a strategy tailored to their individual situation.

If you don’t want to navigate the entire process alone and would like professional support, you can book a free initial consultation at https://relationshipinstitute.eu/

During the consultation, we’ll assess your situation, determine whether we believe reconciliation is realistically possible, and see whether you qualify for our 90-day program.

The program includes individual support, group workshops, relationship-skills training, and guidance on communication and rebuilding the relationship.

If you don’t get your partner back within 90 days with our help, we continue working with you at no additional cost until you do.

If you believe this relationship and your family are worth fighting for, visit https://relationshipinstitute.eu/ and book your first free consultation.

Robert Marchel