How to stop a divorce: 6 proven principles

If you’ve recently heard those two terrifying words, “I want a divorce,” I truly sympathize with you. But all is not lost. In many cases, a divorce can still be prevented. And even if it can’t—and you ultimately do get divorced—it may still be possible to save the relationship.

In this article, I’m going to share the six most important principles you need to know if you want to give yourself the best possible chance of fighting for your relationship and rebuilding the connection between you.

And here’s something encouraging: if you succeed, your relationship may get a complete reset. Things between you can become just as beautiful as they were when you first met.

My name is Robert Marchel, and I’ve been advising people on romantic relationships since 2008. Today, together with our team of psychologists, we help people save their relationships during a separation—and even after a breakup or divorce. In this article, I’ll share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned from years of experience.

Principle 1: Stop Trying to Prevent the Divorce at All Costs

The first of the six principles is to stop trying to prevent the divorce itself at all costs.

Your main goal shouldn’t be to preserve your formal status as a married couple. What should matter most is whether you can rebuild the relationship with this person. Focus on the feelings and the connection between you rather than simply remaining legally married—especially when divorce proceedings may already be well underway.

Very often, the harder you fight against the divorce and desperately try to preserve the marriage on paper, the worse the situation becomes.

That’s why you need to separate these two things.

If you want to stop a divorce from becoming the permanent end of your relationship, it’s far more important to focus on rebuilding your partner’s feelings, restoring love, and repairing the relationship than it is to fight over your formal marital status.

This distinction is extremely important because many people panic at the thought that once the divorce becomes final, everything will be over and they will never be together again.

But that isn’t necessarily true.

Sometimes, it may actually be better to let the divorce proceed as quickly and peacefully as possible, minimizing conflict and resentment so that, later on, there is still room to rebuild the relationship from the ground up.

Principle 2: Stop Trying to Convince Your Partner With Logic

Stop trying to logically convince your partner to stay.

Don’t beg for another chance. Don’t keep promising that you’ll change.

The decision to divorce is rarely based on logic alone. It is usually driven by emotions.

Your husband or wife has decided to take an extremely difficult and uncomfortable step because, emotionally, they have reached a point where they feel they have had enough—or where their feelings for the relationship have faded.

You cannot simply tell yourself to start loving someone or to stop loving someone. Your partner can’t do that either.

Promising that you’ll change or repeatedly asking for one more chance is unlikely to improve your partner’s emotional state. In fact, it may make things worse because those conversations can become exhausting.

Your partner may no longer want to discuss the relationship. They have already communicated their decision, and constantly bringing the subject up may make them feel pressured. Eventually, they may even begin avoiding contact with you altogether.

So instead of trying to convince them, it’s time to focus on changing the emotional dynamic between you.

Principle 3: Become a Challenge Again

You need to start changing the emotional dynamic between you and your husband or wife.

Based on what I’ve observed over many years of working with relationships, one of the most effective ways to do this is to become a challenge again.

That means doing almost the exact opposite of what your instincts may be telling you to do.

Instead of begging and pleading for another chance, you need to show that you are strong and independent. You need to demonstrate that you can accept the divorce and continue with your life rather than desperately chasing your partner.

I know this can feel extremely counterintuitive. It may go against everything your mind is telling you—and even against the advice you’re getting from friends.

But we have seen this dynamic play out successfully in hundreds of cases involving people we have worked with. You can find some of their stories at instytutzwiazkow.pl.

Why does this feel so unnatural?

Because when you find out that your husband or wife wants a divorce, something often changes inside you.

Even if there had previously been resentment between you, and even if you had sometimes wondered whether separating might actually be the right decision, everything can change the moment your partner pulls away.

Suddenly, they become difficult to reach.

You experience an intense sense of loss—and now you want to chase them.

Your mind tells you to call them, text them, beg them, tell them how much you love them, and do everything possible to bring them back.

That reaction is understandable when you’re deeply emotionally attached to someone. When both people feel the same way, that mutual attraction brings them closer together.

But in this situation, the dynamic is one-sided.

Your partner has pulled away, while your own feelings have suddenly become much stronger because you are afraid of losing them.

And that is exactly the dynamic you need to reverse.

If you keep chasing, pushing, and creating pressure while your partner wants distance, you may push them even further away.

Instead, take two steps back.

Show that you can accept the situation. Stop communicating desperation. At the same time, you can remain in appropriate contact, demonstrate that you understand the mistakes you made, and gradually address the practical or emotional barriers that damaged the relationship.

That is what rebuilding attraction is about.

Not begging.

Instead, it means moving away from desperation and demonstrating strength, confidence, independence, and attractiveness.

Until you stop chasing and become someone your partner feels they could actually lose, it may be extremely difficult for their feelings to return.

The subject of becoming a challenge is extensive, and I’ve discussed it in much more detail in other videos on this channel.

Principle 4: Prepare for the Possibility That You Will Separate

Now we come to principle number four.

Prepare yourself for the possibility that you really will separate—and that you may never get back together.

Don’t put everything on the assumption that your strategy will definitely work. It might not.

That means you also need to protect yourself.

Make sure you understand your legal and financial position. If you have children, work out the issues surrounding parenting and custody. Make sure property and financial matters are handled properly as well.

Ideally, you should deal with these issues as calmly and respectfully as possible.

Try to minimize hostility so that you don’t unnecessarily close the door on a possible reconciliation in the future.

At the same time, don’t sacrifice everything simply because you hope it will convince your partner to come back.

Don’t take the approach of, “Fine, take everything. I’ll give you whatever you want as long as you come back to me.”

That can be a serious mistake. Paradoxically, it can also undermine the confidence and independence you are trying to rebuild.

So be kind. Be respectful. Treat your partner fairly.

But protect your own interests as well, because you need to accept the possibility that you may not get back together.

Principle 5: Buy Yourself Time—But Don’t Force the Divorce to Stop

Try to give yourself more time, but don’t deliberately obstruct the divorce.

If your husband or wife tells you they want to separate, you can say:

“Okay. I accept that.”

Ultimately, you cannot force another person to stay with you. You may be able to delay the legal process, but you cannot force someone to remain emotionally committed to the marriage.

What you can do is ask for a little time.

You might say something like:

“Listen, this has been very emotional for me. I’m willing to go through this with you, and if we do it, I’d rather make the process as quick and straightforward as possible. But please give me a little time to process everything and calm down. I don’t want to make major decisions while I’m overwhelmed with emotion. Let me get myself together, and we can come back to this conversation soon.”

In other words, you can try to create some breathing room rather than rushing into everything immediately.

But don’t repeatedly insist that there will never be a divorce, that you will never agree to it, or that you will do everything possible to prevent it.

Fighting the situation in that way is unlikely to help you rebuild the relationship.

Principle 6: Give It Time

Give yourself—and the situation—time.

Paradoxically, this is important even when you feel as though you have almost no time left.

Perhaps the divorce hearing is next week, next month, or three months from now. It may feel as though the divorce is inevitable and that you have to do something immediately.

But trying to force progress is one of the worst things you can do.

The harder you push, the more pressure you create, and the more insecurity you communicate through your behavior, the less attractive you may become to your partner—and the harder it may be to rebuild the relationship.

Accept that the divorce may happen.

The divorce itself is not necessarily the most important thing.

Interestingly, once the divorce is finalized, some of the pressure that has been hanging over both of you may disappear.

I’ve observed this with clients many times.

When the divorce hearing is only a week or two away, it can be difficult for anything meaningful to happen between two people. Everything feels suspended because the legal process is so close to completion that suddenly calling it off may seem unrealistic.

But once the hearing has taken place and the process is over, that pressure disappears.

There is nothing left to cancel. There is no deadline hanging over you.

You may then be able to communicate more freely, meet each other, talk on the phone, and continue rebuilding your connection—even after the divorce—without constantly feeling that you are racing against the clock.

So remove that deadline from your mind.

You don’t necessarily have to stop anything from happening right now.

Who knows? Things could eventually turn out even better. You might even end up marrying each other for a second time—and have another reason to celebrate.

Give the process time.

Summary

I understand that waiting is difficult and that putting this strategy into practice is far from easy.

I’ve spent many years refining this approach.

That’s why I’d like to invite you to get support from the Institute of Psychology and Relationships, where our team of psychologists and relationship experts helps people navigate situations in which only one person is trying to save the relationship while the other has completely withdrawn, says they are no longer in love, and insists they want nothing more from the relationship.

We have developed a structured approach designed to help people work on their relationships even in situations like these.

I invite you to book your first free consultation, during which we’ll look at your individual situation, determine whether we may be able to help you, and see whether you qualify for our program.

Visit our website now—the link is below.

Robert Marchel
Institute of Psychology and Relationships